Men in Divorce: Survivor Mindset

speaker-0: What do you do in the first 90 days after everything falls apart? Welcome to Chaos After Divorce, a new series from Rooted in Christ Men After Divorce. Our first guest is Chad O'Malley, who answers that question. Thanks for tuning in.

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speaker-0: Divorce. Divorce really gets taught, but we open up the conversation seeking healing, strength, and a renewed walk with God. Each episode we focus on spiritual life, mental health, emotional recovery, wellness,

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speaker-1: Rise strong divorce isn't you.

speaker-0: He's an author and a coach who's rebuilding his own life and helping other men do the same. Today we're talking about his 90-day devotional Men in Divorce, Survivor Mindset, now on Amazon. Chad, welcome. Here.

speaker-2: Thank you, Karlton. Good to be here.

speaker-0: Okay, Chad, take us back to your beginning. What did your own divorce look like and what moved you to write Survivor Mindset?

speaker-2: Yeah, I appreciate the question. you know, I think I'm like most men where we hear those four words, I want a divorce, and I heard those and it's words we don't want to hear but we hear And after a nineteen year marriage, I heard those words and that started my journey where I'm at, you know, started it back in twenty twenty three at our separation and now I'm post, you know, two and a half years in divorce. But like anything else, it's it was, you know, and anyone else is one of hardest times of my life. And it was just one of those things that I I went through some dark times like many of us do. And I came out on the other end and about two years outside of that, I looked back and was like, I don't even recognize that guy, you know, back then. And part of my exercise was I wanted to go through and just write down everything I'd gone through. I just put it on a piece of paper and burn it. You know, one of those things of I'm gonna but as I got to putting it on paper and seeing it form, I was like, I I've been through a lot here. I was proud of myself for getting through a lot of that stuff, but I also thought, Men, I need to document this and it started to frame up and I started to jot more notes and more frame up and and never considered writing a devotional. It actually had been a short story for six to eight months, shared with other men that I talked to going through it. And then one day it just hit, you know, devotional and and then it it birthed this project of mine, the Men in Divorce Survivor Mindset. focusing on the first ninety days.

speaker-1: I'm just listening to his story and I'm like because you know it well the interesting thing is he, just like every other guy that's gone through this, you take it back. It hits you. Now some people feel it coming and others it comes out the blue. But pretty much everybody is

speaker-2: Shocked. Yeah. And and I believe none of us are immune to the feelings, right? The feelings that God never intended us to have, the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment. And I think for men, the most difficult thing is, you know, whether it's right, wrong, or indifferent, a lot of times us men, we we find our identity in our work in our job, in our marriage, you know, those sort of things. So when all that's gone, and it, you know, the four words, I want a divorce, we begin to spiral a little bit. And, you know, identity is through Christ. You know, and I think that's a lot of what, you know, I realized looking back and in my measure was my question to myself was w I heard you say, Why'd I do it? I just know how dark it got. And that's the thing that I'm not a depressive personality, but I know that in that time I was so emotionally overwhelmed. I was so stressed. I wasn't even thinking straight. I didn't know like I said, I didn't know who that guy was. And in that time I can see where men make mistakes. They go out and get arrested, right? And it impacts custody negatively or get addicted to substances and that's what kept resonating in my mind of I have to share this. Like I can't just hang on to this and just say this is mine and not help anybody else because I know how dark it was and I felt a responsibility to kind of get that out there and let know you're not alone.

speaker-1: It's also great that you know you want to feel like that because a lot of guys that happens and they get reclusive. They don't want what's going on. They keep this same pain, everything inside, and it just festers. And again, they get mad and angry. So next thing you know, they're punching somebody out, getting arrested, or you know, hitting their spouse, or you know, doing some other thing that's really not even in their nature. But this thing does takes you for a loop.

speaker-2: It it does. And you know, in the devotional, it's kind of three pillars and I call it surrender, partner, release. And and the surrender piece is just giving it to God because that's a couple things there is, you know, he's there for us. Like he knows, right? And so when we can release that to him, that shame and that guilt and just, Lord, take this from me, there's power in that. Also, I think what it allows, it allows his light to begin to shine through you again. Your kids need to see that. Like men, we you know, pressure is a privilege. And as a Men, leaders of our homes, like we take the burden, a lot of the burdens of our family, just as men. That doesn't stop through divorce. These children are looking at you and they're in a tough spot. It's really hard on kids. So that surrender is the first thing to do because you have to have that light of God shining through you, right? So that they can see that and everyone can see it. Second is partner. And my thing was is I partnered with friends, real close friend, my sister, my mom. My sister was my my emotional steadiness. When my emotions were lying to me, she centered me. And then a spiritual mentor. He did wonders in my journey. I can't thank him enough for being there for me. And and then that was the partner piece. Then the third piece is the release. It it comes after you know, after you surrender it, after you partner and have somebody walking through this with you on the journey. And then you get to the release and that's the forgiveness part. That's one forgiving yourself, right? There's things in the marriage that that I could have done better and I am responsible for and forgiven myself of those things. And then it's also forgiven her. You know, that that forgiveness isn't for them. It's it's for you, you know. And so those are the three steps in the ninety days that I took. And it was just so powerful and helpful to me that I just wanted to get it out there.

speaker-0: Amen. Okay. What are the biggest struggles men face in those first ninety days? What was what is it that guys get wrong?

speaker-2: you know, in Ephesians six, right? This isn't about flesh and blood. This is about spiritual warfare basically. And you are getting attacked. And I Men, I remember 'cause you go from think of a Men, you're in a home to overnight you're by yourself. And if the custody is arranged, you know, it's every other day every other week, right? So you're alone. Probably the first time you've been alone for that long in that amount of time. The attacks, right? That's just the spiritual warfare that you're dealing with. And that's where the release comes or the the surrender comes, right? So I think it's a spiritual warfare and knowing that those lies that you're being told aren't true. They're the enemy trying to take you down. That's the one thing that I remember happening a lot. The other thing is we're in general, men, we're just not vulnerable, right? We we don't like asking for help. You know, don't cry, rub dirt in it. We'll be all right. We can handle this. And that's that's a lie. Like there's people out there that love you. Even as a Men, they love you. They will do anything for you. And you know those people in your life. And if you don't, Turn to Reverend Jerome. I you gotta turn to your church, brother, you know, and there's people that'll help you, but that's the lie. That's the spiritual warfare. It's that you can do this alone. It's what they deal with in that moment.

speaker-0: Okay, for the Men listening who's in it right now, what's one or two things we can do this week to start building the survivor mindset?

speaker-2: Well, one, they need to know you're not alone. There's people out there that have been through it. Karlton, me and you, you're not alone. You're not the first one to go through it. The other thing is you you gotta get plugged into a man's group, church. It's that surrender process. Like it it's partner with somebody there that can that can help you walk, or just start with that family member, that friend, that spiritual mentor. You have to find that person in your life that that that won't let you disappear. But I'd say that's the that's the first thing you need to do. and then I think you also gotta understand is we are men. And part of being a Men is we go through adversity, part of being a Men is it's pressure under privilege, you know, pressure is a privilege. I Men, you have to understand that, you know, be you're still the Men of that house and and and the divorce is happening, but you're still a father and you need to be a father, right? You're still a husband right now and you probably need to be at that at some point, but you need to be strong. Mainly for the kids. So however to get that strength is what you have to find. You have to find that partner. You have to find that person that won't let you disappear and you have to surrender it to Christ. And you gotta have brothers walking through it with you.

speaker-1: That's definitely a good point because good brothers that are going to encourage you and not brothers that are going to pull you down.

speaker-2: Correct.

speaker-1: Unfortunately, you know, people going through a divorce and the first thing people say is, Well, what did you do? And, you know, it doesn't matter what was done, it's come on, let's help this brother let's pick him up and encourage him through the situation that he's in.

speaker-2: Yeah, I I couldn't agree more. And I think it's a good point there, Reverend, because I think a lot of times as men, we think that gotta get in that next relationship, right? I'm a l I'm lonely. You can't like that's you give that up. Again, it's that lie that we're told that or be kicked to your point, Reverend. Like you need those spiritual men that are gonna put on that that armor of God and help you walk through this, not the guy that's gonna say, Let's get back out on that bar and get back on that horse. You know, you don't need that that person. in your life. And I think those are the lies through the spiritual warfare were told is, you know, and that's that's an identity issue. That's an identity crisis. If if you're going out there and you're looking for that next, you know, woman 'cause you're lonely, that's not where you need to be right now. You gotta find your identity in Christ, have your spiritual brothers help you walk through it, and then that will give you that foundation to keep going in a healthy way. Satan comes way later, in my in my opinion. You know

speaker-1: funny because a lot of times guys pick their friends just like they picked their women. You don't necessarily get the best ones. They get the ones that fit a need and then they just continue to be with that those people. And a lot of times the person that's going to be most beneficial for Matt Square that you know that goody two shoes, but that's the one that you need. And I'm sorry for making that you know goody two shoes because That's that good brother, that that decent brother. We we wanna label people, but the best label is that good person. And that's what we need in our lives. Good people.

speaker-2: Agree. A hundred percent. And those good people kind of get you, you know, through the start line, right? And again, my vivo is it's first ninety days and it's, you know, surrender partner release. And then I think afterwards, I think which I began to notice years after was there's power when I'm sitting on my couch. I remembered I was sitting on my couch. My daughter was at at the other home at the time and I'm just sitting there and all of a sudden I just realized I said, you know what, if I'm single the rest of my life, I I'm okay with that. There's power in that, but that took a while. And and that's why I'm saying like you have to do the three stages that I said and partner with those spiritual mentors because they're gonna get you on a trajection of healthy. What does it look like to be healthy? And again, I'm finding my identity through Christ. Now I'm feeling power in if it if I'm single, I'm okay with that. Like there's power in that. There's no rush to find another relationship. I'm not gonna mess up again, anything like that. Like the person that I choose to be in my life, I want to be the godly Men that she deserves. And and I want the godly woman that I deserve. And I'm not gonna settle. And I think we settle if we don't take the process right. Like to your point, Reverend, is you gotta get those godly brothers in your life walking with you 'cause one, they're gonna speak truth to you. You know, when you act a fool, they're gonna tell you you act a fool. You know, the in a loving way.

speaker-1: And another thing that I I got from what you were saying, surrender. And see, Men, you know, we're a Men. What sur what do you Men surrender? We don't surrender, but yeah, you gotta let it go. Everything. You gotta let it go and just gotta to let go and let God.

speaker-2: Right. That's it.

speaker-1: Yeah, you know the hurt, let it go. The pain, let it go. And it's it's a process. You know, I I heard you say you in the 90 days. Hopefully, a lot will happen in that 90 days. But see, some people are hard-hit, it's gonna take longer than that.

speaker-2: It could.

speaker-1: Right. But the bottom line is just the stay consistent. And being consistent means that sometimes you might slip, trip, stumble, or fall, but you gotta get back up and Not make the same mistakes all over again, but just try to change yourself and keep changing to be till you become that Men that you want to be.

speaker-2: Yeah, I think it's a good point. Like words matter, right? And when we say surrender, we seem it as passive, right? Giving up. But when you're dealing with faith in God, the surrender is it how I think of it is you surrender all that hurt and all those feelings to Him. And what that does is it clears your mind and gets you ready for your battle plan. Like because it's spiritual warfare, like I mentioned before. And part of that battle plan is having a clear mind. But the second one is partnering with. the your warriors that are helping you through this, the men of your church, your friend that will fight for you, your family member that won't let you disappear. And you, like I mentioned, you put on the armor of God. And and that's what my thing, when I look at surrender, yeah, it looks like you're giving up or passive. But in this sense, look at it as like I'm clearing my mind so that I can present my better battle plan for myself, right? And then start the surrender partner release type deal. The other thing too, you brought up a good point is it is labeled ninety days, it's a six week devotional, but I think it's really at their pace because every man's different and we're struggling with different things. And I think we can all admit here that when we get to our divorce, part of that divorce isn't just the marriage, it's part of the stuff that we brought into the marriage from our childhood, right? Or that trauma and all that stuff. So there's a lot compacted right in there that you're dealing with at that moment. This ninety days may take you a hundred and twenty, it may take you a hundred and eighty But just keep going. Just keep moving in the right direction and deal with the things that you have to deal with at the time, but just keep moving forward, not backward.

speaker-0: Like that. Okay, Chad, where can brothers reach out to you online and and the the book and stay in contact with you? We're gonna try to put this on our website as a resource to brothers too that are looking, but where else can they find out this information?

speaker-2: Yeah, right now there'll be a lot about the men in divorce survivor mindset. And then as well as I can give you a link to the Amazon link for for the book itself. But that's how you can reach me and and you know, my number's out there and you know, if people Google you enough, they're gonna find it. Any Men that needs a text or hey, I heard the book, or hey, can you give me some encouraging word? Text me. Text me. I'm gonna give you an encouraging word. I might not be able to be with you every day or that partner thing, but I'll help you try and figure out like who's your guy. like's gonna help you through this. And I'm I'm gonna request if you don't have that, 'cause guys, believe it or not, I I was sitting, I know I'm going off a tangent, but I was sitting in a Bible study one time, twelve men around the table, and it said, Hey, if you went through the hardest time of your life, raise your hand if you got somebody you can go to. Less than half the room raised their hand. And my heart was crushed. And so that might be difficult for people. I think it's more of an embarrassment than they they they just don't want to reach out. Right. So you got to get over that. But then I turn to your church. And if you don't have a church, go to one down the road. Like seriously, there's men there that will love you, they will encourage you and they'll help you through anything you need to need to with especially in divorce. But but yeah, Facebook, Chad O'Malley author, and then I'll send you my Amazon link. Okay.

speaker-0: That sounds wonderful. And brothers, like we say, this is a community. You don't have to walk this alone. Remember, we do this on a bi-weekly basis, and this is part one of the series, Chaos After Divorce. And we all know it's chaos. So this was the base best way to s kick it off. We will have other guests and other topics we'll talk about talk about. Until then, stay rooted, rise strong. Divorce is not

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