The Grind of Divorce: Managing Anger and Maintaining Faith

speaker-0: Chart one was the punch. This is the grind. Nobody warns you. The day she says it is actually the easy part. Because after that day comes the machine. The lawyer who bills you $300 or more an hour to read emails. The paperwork that asks you to put a dollar amount on five, ten, twenty years. The judge who's known you eleven minutes decided when you can see your kids.

speaker-1: And somewhere in month four, maybe month fourteen, a thought creeps in that scares you. Because you're a church man and you're not supposed to think it.

speaker-0: This whole thing is rigged and God is just sitting here watching. Really? Thanks for tuning in to Rooted in Christ Men After Divorce. Divorce rarely gets talked about in the church, but we open up the conversation for Christian men seeking healing, strength, and a renewed walk with God. Each episode we focus on spiritual life, mental health, and Emotional recovery, physical wellness, financial stability, and your future. Stay rooted, rise strong, divorce isn't you. Welcome back, brothers. Rudy and Christ, men after the divorce. I'm Carlton.

speaker-1: And I'm Reverend Jerome. This is part two of our three part series on anger. And if you missed part one, the day she said it, go back. These build on each other. New episodes drop every two weeks, so you've got time to catch up before part three.

speaker-0: Part one was the anger of the announcement I want a rewards. That moment today is different. Today is the anger that doesn't spite, it simmers. It boils for months, sometimes years. The anger of the process, the lawyers, the violence, the mediation sessions where you sit across a table from a woman you prayed next to for two decades or more and negotiate over all. A couch.

speaker-1: And here's why this one's dangerous. Carlton, the announcement anger is a flash flood. It comes and it passes. Process anger is a slow leak of acid. It doesn't blow the house up. It eats away at the foundation quietly, daily while you're telling everybody at church to I'm trusting God through it all.

speaker-0: So let's stop lying in the lobby. This is part two, the grind. Let's let me describe the machine. You tell me if I'm lying. You guess served, you need a lawyer and a retainer that empties the savings you built for your man cave, for your kids, college, etc. Every phone call is billable. Every email is billable. You start doing the math in your head. That argument about the Christmas schedule just cost me four hundred ducks. Comin' and then there's the discovery. Strangers going through your bank statements, your text pulled into filings, the house you painted, the deck you built with your own hands. It's now marital asset. Line item number three, and you, the man who coached the team and did the school runs, you're now the respondent.

speaker-1: Come on, keep it. The respondent they took your name.

speaker-0: Name off it. They took my name off it, and there's the part that puts fire in a man's chest. It can feel like the process doesn't care who did what. You can be the one who stayed faithful, the one who wanted to fight for it, and you're still writing the checks, still packing the boxes, still getting every other weekend.

speaker-1: And that's a different species of anger than part one. Announcement anger says how could she? Process anger says this isn't fair. And brothers, that word fair is where the enemy sets up shop because he doesn't need you to lose your faith. He just needs you to conclude that God isn't paying attention. He

speaker-0: He doesn't need your faith. He just needs your verdict on God's attention span. God ain't paying attention to me.

speaker-1: That's it And we're going to answer that right after this.

speaker-0: Brothers, quick word, if this show is hitting home, two things. One, we now have a weekly newsletter. The show drops every two weeks, but that letter lands in your inbox every week. Episode breakdowns, the assignments, and on the off weeks, the stuff we didn't say on the air. Sign up for free at reading Christmen.

speaker-1: Two, wherever you're listening, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, iHeart, Pandora, YouTube, hit follow so part three finds you automatically. Like, subscribe, tell another brother, somebody in your circle is in the grind right now.

speaker-0: All right, back to it because Rev is about to take us somewhere on

speaker-1: Carlton, I wanna talk about a man who got ground through a process that was actually rigged, not felt rigged, was rigged.

speaker-0: Leave it.

speaker-1: Long before the crown, David is anointed as a young man. God says that one. And what does David get after his anointing? A decade of running, hunted by Saul, the very institution that was supposed to protect him? Spears thrown at his head in the man's own house, lied about, driven into caves, and David did everything right, and the system did him wrong for years.

speaker-0: So David definitely knew the grind.

speaker-1: David wrote the soundtrack for the grind. Half the Psalms are a man in a cave asking God How long? But here's the moment I want. First Samuel twenty four. Saul, the man destroying David's life, walks alone into the very cave David's hiding in, defenseless. David's men whisper, This is it, God delivered him to you in the process right now.

speaker-0: Now uncut and it's over. The lawyer fees, the running, the injustice, it's all done.

speaker-1: David creeps up and cuts the corner of Saul's robe. That's all. And scripture says even that. Just the robe struck David's conscience. Because David understood something that processed anger tries to burn out of a man. You can be completely right about the injustice and still be completely wrong in how you expect. Answer it.

speaker-0: Say that again for the man in the parking lot outside the courthouse right now.

speaker-1: You can be right about the injustice and wrong in your response to it. David refused to become Saul. He said The Lord judge between me and thee, but my hand shall not be upon thee.

speaker-0: And this is where I've got to get real because I know what some brothers are doing with processed anger, because I was tempted by every one of them. The nasty email you drafted at one AM, bad mouthing her to the kids, using your children as ammunition, hiding assets, dragging out the fight just to bleed her, because if you're going to hurt, she's gonna hurt.

speaker-1: You said it.

speaker-0: Somebody's got to because every one of these moves feels like justice in the moment. And every one of them is you cutting a whole lot more than the rogue. Brothers hear me. The process can take your house, your savings, and half your time with your kids, but it cannot take your character. Only you can sign that over. And no judge orders that. That one you volunteer.

speaker-1: The process takes what it takes. Your character you volunteer. That's the whole episode in two sentences. So what does a man do with a slow leak of acid? Psalm thirty seven David again, older now, looking back verse one fret not thyself because of evil doers. Verse seven, rest in the Lord and wait patiently on the Lord. Fret not thyself because of him who prosper in evil.

speaker-0: Him who prospereth in his way. So David's talking about watching somebody win who shouldn't be winning.

speaker-1: That's exactly the situation. And then verse eight puts teeth on it. Cease from anger and forsake wrath. Fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. Hear the warning. Fretting isn't neutral. The King James says in any wise to do evil, because simmering anger always graduates. Nobody hides assets from On day one, they marinate their way there. Fredding is the marinade.

speaker-0: So the fight isn't at the ⁓ mediation table. The fight is in the marinade. What that means prop practically

speaker-1: Give them the assignment.

speaker-0: Three moves this week. One, separate the process from the person. Your lawyer is not God. The judge is not God. The system verdict on you is not God's verdict on you. Say it out loud if you have to. Romans eight one still stands. No family court has jurisdiction over it. Two, order your marinade. What are you replaying at night? Which conversations are you rehearsing in the shower? Whatever you're marinating in, you're becoming. This week, every time you catch the rehearsal starting, stop and pray. Psalm thirty seven, rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him. Not once, every time. It might be forty times a day. Do it forty times a day. three, refuse one robe. Somewhere this week the process is going to hand you a knife. A chance to take a cut that feels like justice, the email, the comment to the kids, the petty moves, refuse one, just one, put it down and tell God, You judge between us, my hand won't do it. Then tell a brother, you did it. That's your ecclesiasticity four move from part one, and it still applies.

speaker-1: And brother, if you already thrown some knives, if you're hearing this and your conscience is stuck like Davis was over a piece of robe, that's not condemnation. That's invitation. Repent, make right what you can make right and get back in the cave with God. God restore David, God's not done with you. So Down with me, brothers. Gracious God, we come to you honest tonight. There are men listening who are in the machine right now, bleeding money, bleeding time away from the kids, and starting to wonder if you're looking away. Lord, we bring you the anger we've been hiding in the church. Lord, we confess the word fair and has become a stronghold. Tear it down. Remind every man in the grind that you saw David in the cave and you see him in the courtroom. In the lawyer's office, in the empty apartment, and with the boxes still packed. Guard our heart our hearts and our hands, Lord. When the process hands us a knife, give us David's conscience before the cut, not after. Let no man here trade his anger for a moment of getting even, and for the brother who has already done that, restore him right now. Let Romans eight ring louder than any filing with his name on it. We rest in you, we wait on you, we fret not, in Jesus' name, amen.

speaker-0: Okay, brothers, that's part two. The grind is real, but the grind doesn't get the last word.

speaker-1: In two weeks, part three, the one nobody warns you about. You're past it. You're heel. And then a song comes on or you drop the kids off and out of nowhere the anger flashes back like it never left. Or we're going to talk about that and why and what to do when it hits.

speaker-0: All right, brothers two weeks. It'll find you if you hit follow. And this week, that newsletter is coming to your inbox with the assignment written out Rooting Christmen dot org free. Until then, audit the marinade, audit the marinade, refuse one rogue. Tell one brother, stay rooted, rise strong, divorce is not you.

speaker-1: Like, subscribe, tell another brother. This podcast is for educational and inspirational purposes only. The hosts and guests are not licensed professionals, and content is not legal, financial, or mental health advice. Seek qualified experts for personal guidance. Views expressed are those of the host and guest, not affiliated organizations.