The Day She Said It

Rooted Men: There's a sentence that splits a man's life in two. Everything before it and everything after it. For some of you it came across the kitchen table or maybe an email. For some of you it came in a text. For me, I can still tell you what the room smelled like. I wanted divorce those four words. And in that moment, brother. Something rolls up in you that you might not have had a name for it. Some of you still don't. And we're gonna name it today. You know what it is. It's anger. And we're not going to tiptoe around this subject. Thanks for tuning in to Rooted in Christ. Men after divorce. Divorce rarely gets talked about in the church, but we open up the conversation for Christian men seeking healing and Strength and a renewed walk with God. Each episode we focus on spiritual life, mental health, emotional recovery, physical wellness, financial stability, and your future. Stay rooted, rise strong, divorce isn't you. Welcome back, brothers. This is Rudy in Christ, Men After Divorce, and this is season two, Premiere. I'm Carlton, and I'm Reverend Jerome. Now in season one, we walked through a lot of ground together. Identity, fatherhood, finances, moving on. And we heard from you. The messages, the comments, and one word kept showing up over and over and over again that we hadn't given a full seat at the table. Anger. So season two opens with a three part series on it. Part one, which is today, is the anger that hit you the day she said it. Part two, the anger of the whole process, the lawyers, the paperwork, the house, the money, the custody schedule. And part three, the one nobody warns you about, the anger that still flares up out of nowhere, months, days, or years later when you thought you were past it. And let me say this up front because churchmen need to hear this. We are not here to shame you out of your anger. The Bible doesn't say don't be angry. Ephesians 4 26 says be angry and do not sin. God gave you that fire. The question comes what do you do when it lights up? So this is part one The Day She Said It. Rev, let's just be honest for that moment. When those words landed on you, before the tears, before the bargaining, before the prayer, before the disbelief, for a lot of men, the very first thing in the body is heat. Heat is the right word. The jaw sets, the chest tightens. Some men went cold and silent, and don't be fooled. That silence was anger too. It just went inward instead of outward. That's important because a lot of brothers listening right now are saying, I didn't get angry. Yeah, right. I just shut down. Been there, done that. Brother, shutting down is a form of anger. It's the fire with the door closed on it. It's still burning. It's just burning you. And here's why that moment produces such a specific anger. It's the anger of the ambush. Even if the marriage had been on struggling grounds, even if you saw the storm clouds on her horizon, most men tell me the same thing. I didn't think she actually was going to say it. So the anger isn't just about the divorce. It's about the being blindsided. It's about standing in your own kitchen, in your own house, and feeling like the ground just got pulled out from under a covenant you thought was still on the table. Say that again. The anger of the ambush. Because that's a different animal than a regular conflict and anger. When you argue with somebody, you're both in the ring. But when she says, I want a divorce, you weren't in a ring. You were in your l living room, you were living your life, and now you're on the canvas and you never saw that punch. And what does a man do when he feels ambushed? He wants to fight back. That's not a character flaw. That's design. God built men with a protective instinct. The problem is, in that kitchen, there's nothing to to fight. You can't swing At a sentence, so the angrier has nowhere to go. Nowhere to go. And that's where it gets dangerous because anger that has nowhere to go doesn't disappear. It picks a target. And in that moment, the available targets are her, yourself, or God. Come on. That's the whole episode right there. Her, yourself, or God. Hold on to that. We're coming right back to it. Brothers, before we go deeper, because we're about to go deeper, do me one favor. Go to rootingchristmen dot org and sign up for the newsletter. That's rootingchristmen dot org. Every episode drops with study notes, descriptures we walk through, and the assignments. So you're not trying to remember this all while you're driving or riding. And it comes straight to your inbox. No noise, no gimmicks, just tools for the journey. This walk was never meant to be walked alone. That newsletter is like one more brother in your corner. Wherever you listen, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, iHeart, Pant Order, hit follow right now. Remember, we drop every two weeks, so following is how you make sure parts two and three of this series lands automatically. No hunting for us. If you're watching on YouTube, subscribe and tap the bell right now. All right now. We say anger picks a target. Her, yourself, or God. Let's take them one at a time. Target number one. This is the obvious one. How could she do this to me? After everything, after the year, the sacrifice, the bills I paid. The kids, the things I gave up. And some of you said things like that, or worse in that moment, in the days after that you'd give anything to take back. And some of you didn't say them out loud. You said them in your head on a loop for months. Brother, rehearsing rage is still rage. Jesus said the issue is not just the act, it's the heat, it's the heart. If you've been running that argument in your head night at eleven, twelve, two AM, you're not processing, you're marinating. Marinating, okay. Target number two, and this one's quieter yourself. This is the anger that sounds like I should have seen it. I should have been better. What kind of man loses his family? It dresses itself up as accountability, but it's not accountability. It's self-destruction wearing a suit. See, there's a difference between conviction and condemnation. Conviction says, here's where I fell short, and here's where God and I are going to work. Condemnation says, You're a failure. Romans 8.1, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. If the voice in your head is condemning you, that voice is not the Holy Spirit. Put the brakes on that. Give it a full stop. And target number three, and church folks get nervous here. God. Some of you got angry at God the day she said. Lord, I prayed for this marriage. How could she do this? I fasted for this marriage. I did it your way. I did everything right, and you let this happen. And I want every man listening to hear a pastor say this plainly God can handle your anger. Read the psalm. David hollered at God. Job questioned God to his God's face. And at the end of the book, God said Job spoke rightly, and the polite friends with the tidy theology were the ones who got corrected. God is not fragile. What breaks the relationship is not the anger, it's the silence. It's when you get so angry you stop talking to God altogether. And that's the trap. The enemy doesn't need you to curse God. He just needs you to go quiet on God, because an angry man still praying is a man still connecting, and an angry man who stopped praying is a man drifting out to sea. So if the last real prayer you prayed was the day she said it and everything since has been silent, today is the day that ends. You can start the conversation angry. God will rather have your anger than your absence. All right, so let's get practical because we don't do theory in this show. Ephesians 4 26 27. Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Reb break this down for the man whose kitchen moment was last night, last week, or the man whose kitchen moment was 10 years ago, and he's still burning. Three moves in that verse. First, be angry. Permission. Feel it. Name it. Stop telling people you're fine when you're on fire. Find somebody, a pastor, a brother, a counselor, and say the words out loud. I'm angry about how this went down. Naming it takes half the power away. That's move one. Name it, don't numb it. Because a lot of us numbed it. With work, with the gym, with the bottle. With a little weed where somebody knew before the ink was dry, numbing was not healing. It's anesthesia, and anesthesia wears off. Yes, it does. Move number two. Don't let the sun go down on your wrath. That's about not letting anger take up residence. It came as a visitor the day she said it. That's human. But some of you gave it a room. Gave it a key, gave it a seat at the head of your table. It's been years and is still making decisions in your house. Sundown means you deal with it in cycles daily, honestly, instead of letting it compound like that. Move three Don't give place to the devil. The Greek word there is. Topas, territory, ground. Unprocessed anger is territory. It's the ground the enemy uses to turn a wound into an identity. It's how a man who got hurt becomes a bitter man. And bitterness will cost you your kid's trust, your next relationship, your health, and your witness. So now, brothers, here's your assignment this week. And I mean actually do it. One, write down pen and paper what you were angry about the day she said. Now I know there was a bunch of stuff, but there was something specific that really triggers you. Not what you told people, the real thing. Two, read it out loud to God. Yes, out loud, ugly version. With a few not so Christian words. He's heard worse and he's still on the throne. Three, text brother, and say, I'm working through some anger from my divorce. Can you we talk this week? That's it. Three steps name it, pray it, share it. And if you do those three things, you haven't fixed it, but you've moved the fire out of the walls and into the fireplace. That's where fire belongs. Contain it can warm the house. In the wolves it burns the house down. Okay, brothers, this is part one. The anger of the announcement. But you've been through it. You know the day she said it was just the opening bell. Then came the process. The attorney letters, dividing the furniture, the money, etc. The first exchange of the kids in the parking lot. Watching a stringer in a courtroom make decisions about your family or about you. That's part two. The anger of the process. And I'm telling you now, it's a different beast. The announcement anger is a flash flood. The process anger is a slow leak, and it will rust you out if you don't know how to fight it out. We're going to Dive in deep the next episode. So do not miss it. New episodes drop every two weeks, so market. Part two lands two weeks from today. Subscribe wherever you're listening, Spotify, Apple, YouTube, wherever you find us, and hit that notification so it lands right in your pocket. If today put words in something you've been carrying, don't keep this to yourself. There's a man in your circle too. Sitting in the kitchen moment right now. Send it to him. That text might be the lifeline he's too proud to ask for. And brother, use these two weeks. Don't just wait on part two. Work on the assignment. Name it. Pray it. Share it. Come back to us in two weeks further down the road than you are today. Okay, Rave. Just pray us out for give the brothers a word of encouragement. Gracious God, we thank you right now for every man listening. Lord, you see the kitchen, you see the anger, you see what we are going through, but with you you can put everything straight. So work with us. Bless us right now. In your name we pray, amen. Amen. Now, brothers, don't forget, like, subscribe, tell another brother. And as we always say, stay rooted, vibe strong. Force is not you. We'll see you in part two. This podcast is for educational and inspirational purposes only. The hosts and guests are not licensed professionals, and content is not legal, financial, or mental health advice. Seek qualified experts for personal guidance. Views expressed are those of the host and guest, not affiliated organizations.