Courtroom Strategies for Fathers: Stay Calm, Stay Strong

Karlton McIver: Take one or something like that. ⁓ So we're already recording. Let me pull up my teleprompter because I'm not as bright as you, you brothers. So I need, you know, I need a cheat sheet. So, okay. Yeah. Okay. All right. So we're going to do take one. ⁓ Three, two, one. Welcome back to Rooted in Christ, Men After Divorce. I'm Karlton McIver.

Alfred Phelps: Okay.

Rev Jerome: ⁓ So, ⁓ real

Alfred Phelps: But I have a cheat sheet too.

Rev Jerome: And I always keep nukes.

Karlton McIver: along with my co-host Reverend Jerome and walking this road with you too. And we're walking this road with you. Today's episode is for every father standing in the fire, navigating custody hearing, co-parenting, tension and the quiet grief of redefining what fatherhood looks like after divorce. The title says it all, father's in fire, redefining fatherhood post divorce.

Rev Jerome: Reverend Jerome Robinson.

Karlton McIver: You are still called, you're still needed, and you're not walking alone. God sees you in every courtroom, every pickup drop off, and every moment you fight to stay present for your kids. Joining us today is Attorney Alfred Phelps, a family law specialist who spent years helping fathers protect their rights and relationships. Alfred, thank you for being here.

Alfred Phelps: Pleasure to be here. Thanks for having me.

Karlton McIver: Okay, so our first segment is called reclaiming confidence as a father. Alfred, let's go straight to the heart. Many fathers feel defeated after the divorce settlement. Less time with their kids, lingering pain, maybe even shame. From your experience, how can a dad start reclaiming confidence in his role as a father even when the legal outcome feels unfair?

Alfred Phelps: Well, first of all, you gotta have faith in God. You gotta know that God is always with you no matter what's going on. And even if you're going through hard times at the time, God is still with you and you never know what the outcome is gonna be later on down the line. So initially things might not go your way, but you gotta keep the faith and continue to move forward. And you never know, cause we all know that God can do, make the impossible possible. So one thing you have to do is you can't be bitter. You still got to find joy in every day. So one joy is that you have children. The fact that you still have children. You want to maintain contact with your children. Now sometimes, depending on what the court order says, it may limit the amount of time you have with your kid. the time that you do have, make the most of it. Now one thing people do is, what some fathers do, they want to complain to the kids. That's a no-no. All you want to do is let the kid have fun. Let the kid be a child. And then with the mother, if you can't communicate with the mother, use something like we call in Georgia, we call WhatsApp. Or if you don't have WhatsApp, because you have to pay for that, use texts or emails, try to make your communication written communication. Do not get on the phone call if you can't talk to each other civilly. Okay. and don't talk bad about your child, even if your child's around and you're not talking to the child, don't talk bad about the other parent. In fact, you wanna foster a good relationship between the child and the other parent. And in this case, that would be the mother. And as time goes on, the child will see that you're not bitter. And then you're showing the child stability. You're showing the child integrity. You're showing the child how to behave in a situation that's not fair. Because of course, this was not always fair. They try to do justice. That doesn't mean justice is going to always happen because we have people trying to do justice. And so those are some of the things you need to think about and do when you are struggling through after the divorce and you're struggling to try to keep a relationship with your child.

Rev Jerome: I agree with you 100 % and you said some key words there and through the whole thing, the key is to try to say to try to be the better person. In this case, you be the better man.

Alfred Phelps: Yes, absolutely.

Karlton McIver: Okay, that hits deep. It's not about waiting for a judge to validate you. It's remember God's call on your life as a father hasn't been revoked. Proverbs, yeah.

Alfred Phelps: That's cool.

Rev Jerome: Hey, I'm gonna add one other thing because, you know, he also said something, because it might not happen right away, right? You know, it may not happen when you want it, but happened right on time because the kids will see and sometimes it takes years for them to see, but eventually they will see. So you just have to be the best man, the best father that you can be, and it will be revealed.

Alfred Phelps: Yes. Yes. And that's a good point, Rev because sometimes, let's say the child is 10 and child wants to be with mom, but you're still doing the right thing. You're following godly principles because basically, even though the judicial system doesn't religion with custody, but the principles are the same. ⁓ want you to provide a stable environment, teach honesty, teach integrity, teach your child how to... ⁓ maintain themselves, how to behave themselves. So if you do those things, if you follow the godly principles, then what will happen is the child will see it, and at some point when you go back to court, the court will see it. But even better than that, in Georgia, and when a child reaches 14 years of age, they can elect which parent they wanna be with. And we just had a case where the mother had both the kids. The daughter is now 16, and she told dad, I wanna live with you. And she signed an affidavit of election, and now she's with her dad.

Karlton McIver: Now, Proverbs 22, six still applies. Train up your child in a way you should go, even if the path looks different now. Would you say that the first real battle is often internal healing that fatherhood identity before tackling more legal steps?

Alfred Phelps: Absolutely, because you have to be mentally ready for what you're going through. So if you're not mentally ready, you don't have self-control, you don't have patience. If you're in a hurry to get something done, that's gonna mess you up. But if you have self-control and patience, and like the Rev said, if you just be the better person, and let's face it, sometimes that's more difficult. See, it's for me to say it than for you to do it.

Rev Jerome: That's right.

Alfred Phelps: Well, what we say, if you pray every day and you ask the Holy Spirit for guidance, the Holy Spirit will guide your steps. And then you will begin to, what I always say is you will catch yourself before the storm. Because most of time what happens is the mother says something and you don't take time to think about it, you react. You don't want to be reactionary. So when you react, before you know it, you're in the storm. She's hollering, you hollering, she's arguing, you arguing, you calling each other names. But sometimes you might say when she says something crazy, just say 1001, 1002, 1003.

Rev Jerome: then ⁓

Alfred Phelps: calm yourself down, and then if you feel you can't say anything positive, walk away. But if you can, then speak your piece, stay calm. The main thing is to stay calm. Don't elevate your voice. And then once you get into that frame of mind and you stay in that frame of mind, it'll become a habit. And then once you do that, she will look, you know what they say, you can't argue with somebody, a person can't argue with you if you don't argue back. And then the other thing when two people arguing, a stranger walks up, we can't tell who's the right or who's wrong. But if she's arguing and you're calm, then they'll look at her and say, look at her. Why is she acting like that? He's just as calm. that's so, yes, definitely it's your state of mind first before you go into the legal battle.

Rev Jerome: Right.

Karlton McIver: Okay.

Rev Jerome: But anyway, we also have to remember too, if you're out there arguing with her, anybody sees it because our voices are deeper, usually we're taller. We're going to look like the evil person. And we don't want that label on us.

Alfred Phelps: We do not. We do not.

Karlton McIver: Okay. Let me take a brief second here. If this is resonating, resonating pause for a second, hit like, drop a comment, share with a brother who's hurting in silence. Your engagement helps other men find this hope. Find us on the Apple podcasts, Spotify, Amazon music, anywhere you listen. And for real community biblical encouragement and tools to rise strong. Join us at RootedinChristMen.org. We're in this together. All right, let's talk courtroom truth. A lot of docs get dads walk into the ⁓ courtroom feeling the system is against them. Alfred, what factors really drive a judge's custody decisions and father involved cases these days?

Alfred Phelps: Okay, so let's get to the truth of the matter. So the law, because I practice in Georgia, the law here in Georgia says that neither parent has more rights than the other parent. But let's be real. Nobody really wants to take a child from a mother. A mother who's carried a child for nine months, nobody wants to do that. But the law is what's in the best interest of the child. And so that's why the father has to be even more calm, more stable than the mother. The other mistake that a lot of fathers make is they want to be weekend dads. Now get your child during the week. Keep your child during the week as much time as you can get your child. Spend more time with your child. Let your child have a good time with you. Don't, don't, don't, even if the court order says you get the child every other weekend, call the mother if you can or text the mother, I got something planned. Can I pick up my child? And many times mothers because, let's face it, sometimes children will wear you down. Mothers need a break. And so if you're calm and you show them no matter what happened to them in the past, you show them, look, I'm the better person. I'm moving forward. I'm not going back to, we're not going to argue about what happened back two days ago or three years ago. I'm moving forward. I'm only focused on the kid. After a while, instead of her calling her mom or her cousin or sister say, I need you to babysit, she'll call you or she'll text you. Come get your son. Come get your daughter. and be available. Now sometimes you have to inconvenience yourself for your child and when you do that people will see that. See one thing you don't have to tell anybody what you do people will see what you do. So many times what happens we always wait. We wait for the court to tell us what we can do. We wait for the mom to tell us what we can do. No that's your child. Take advantage of that. It's a beautiful thing. You brought a beautiful person in the world. You want to teach this person, you want this person to have your values, your morals. And where they're gonna have that if they're around you and they see you in action. And so then when I was coming up, you know, we came up in this time where your mom say, do what I say and not what I do. That doesn't work anymore.

Rev Jerome: That's right.

Alfred Phelps: Right now, your child has to see what you do. They have to see how you interact with other people. They have to see how you interact when someone does something to you. How do you handle that? Do you engage violently or do you engage ⁓ verbally? Or do you say, excuse me, bro, what you did was uncalled for. God bless you and move on. Your child sees that. Remember, children imitate their parents. I truly believe that nine out 10 times, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. In other words, you look Think of yourself, when you got a certain age, you looked in the mirror, you said, man, I'm just like my dad. Man, I got the same traits as my mom. That's what's happening with your kids. Your kids are learning from your conduct and your behavior.

Rev Jerome: And another thing is ⁓ men have to be active in the child's life. Go to the schools and go to the doctor's appointments that they have. Let the people know that you're that child's father.

Alfred Phelps: Yes. Now you know you really hit on a key factor because that's a mistake that many parents make. They don't go to the school on parent-teacher night. They're too tired. I know when you get home, you're tired, but go there. Let the teachers see you. Let teachers know you're involved. Let the teachers know that if something comes up, they can call you. They don't have to always have to call the mom. And then also go to the doctor. Sometimes take your child to the doctor. I totally agree with you, Reverend Jerome. That's a very, very good point. And then also when you go to court, so a lot of times you can go to court for a modification. You you think your child is in an unhealthy situation or what you're seeing you don't like. Those are the things that you're going to bring to their attention. Those are the things the judge is going to look for. How much time do you spend with your child? Do you really care about your child or you just in here raising sand right now about one particular thing that happened? No, Judge. I go to ⁓ parent teacher conferences. I go to the doctor. I go to the dentist. I go to the extracurricular activities. And then also, Don't for those activities. Don't get caught up on this thing that my child support is $500 or whatever your mom is. That's all I'm gonna pay. Okay, you order to pay that, pay that. Now I understand funds can be tight, so we have to be mindful of that. But the point is, don't just be, ⁓ your child says, dad, I need some gym shoes. ⁓ you can do it, get it. Don't say, why give your mom child support? Don't do that, don't do that. That's not good.

Karlton McIver: Okay, co-parenting keeps going long after the decree. The wrong text can spark a firestorm. How can clear communication boundaries protect everyone, parents and kids, without escalating conflict?

Rev Jerome: That's so great.

Alfred Phelps: Well, like we mentioned earlier, staying calm, being kind, showing your kids that even when mom is saying crazy things that you don't engage. But most importantly, you want to write things down. So I believe, I always tell my clients, put things in writing. If you have a good relationship with your ex-wife or the mother of the child, we'll say, then you can call and talk. But if you don't put everything in writing, and then also you should always keep a journal. Keep a journal about what's going on between you, the child, you and the mother, the mother and the child. Because a lot of times when people come into the office, they want to tell me about things that happen. get modification. think I want my special with boys at some point. Look, women do a decent job of training and raising young men, but we all know that a woman can't teach a boy to be a man, just like a man can't teach a girl to be a woman. So you want to not have your child with you. But to do that, you got to talk about the things you've been doing. And many times you get in the courtroom, courtrooms intimidating, you don't remember those things. Have a journal and write things down as you go along because we can always use the journal to refresh your recollection. And in some cases, we can enter your journal into evidence to show all the things that you've done because while you're understanding, you're nervous and you can't think of anything, we can help you with your journal.

Rev Jerome: You you raise another point too, because the image that you want to place in your kids. Well, it took a long time. you know, my son turned into be a really nice young man. And now my daughter, finally she found somebody that I'm like, wow, she found somebody that kind of acts like me.

Alfred Phelps: That's right. So yes. And so I'm glad you brought that up because I believe in this. The type of man you want your daughter to engage in, whether it's dating or eventually marry, you want them to treat your daughter a certain way. And for your daughter to know that, you have to treat your daughter a certain way. So for example, why not open the door for your daughter? Why not help your daughter with different things?

Rev Jerome: And it's a good guy.

Karlton McIver: Right.

Alfred Phelps: Anything you want someone to do for your daughter, you need to do for your daughter because now your daughter realized that my daddy treats me good. I'm not gonna let a man treat me bad. My daddy is calm. I need a calm man. My daddy doesn't argue with my mom. So I don't have to argue. I'm not gonna argue with no man. But for child-sees you always battering and going back and forth and arguing. They begin to think that's normal. That's normal behavior. And in fact, some kids start thinking that's love and we know that's not love. That's not love.

Karlton McIver: Right. All right. Now here's the spiritual core. Many men love Jesus, but struggle to forgive an ex who hurt them deeply. Yet they still have to co-parent. How can a father model Christ's love and forgiveness without becoming a pushover?

Rev Jerome: Yeah.

Alfred Phelps: Well, now that's funny you say that. Yeah, we know that you don't have to let anybody abuse you. Okay, so we have to learn to forgive. We don't have to forget. We have to treat people with kindness because I think what's Galatians, I believe the Rev probably knows the scripture better than me, but I think it's Galatians and talking about control, patience, happiness, joy. Those are the traits you want your child to have, but your child can't have those traits unless you have those traits. And so a child has to see that. But once again, when you find yourself about to get upset about something, once again, take a deep breath, count to three. before you respond because many times we are too quick to respond. Somebody ask a question, we want to give an answer right away. We don't have to. Nobody's forcing you to give an answer right away. Take time to think about your answer, especially if you're already in a heated relationship or relationship that is ⁓ what I want to say, ⁓ contentious. Then yeah, you want to think about what you say before you speak. And then once again, if you can't talk to each other, Do everything in writing. That's very important. Do not want to engage. And then when you're on the phone, if you're on the phone and things get heated, then say, I'm going to stop the conversation now. I'm about to hang. Don't be rude and just click. That's rude. Because all you're going to do is make them mad. So what you want to say is. I'm about whatever her name is, I'm about to hang up now because we're not going anywhere. This is not good for you, not good for me, and it's definitely not good for the child. And the other thing is that children are always lurking in the background listening. Whatever's going on in your household, eight out of 10 times, nine maybe, they know what's going on. You think the child can't hear us, the child's upstairs. Trust me, the child's listening to everything. Most kids know what's going on in their household. They know the feel for their household.

Karlton McIver: All right.

Rev Jerome: And that Bible verses Galatians 5, 22 and 23.

Alfred Phelps: Okay, thank you, sir.

Rev Jerome: You

Karlton McIver: Okay, and Ephesians 432 says, forgive us the Lord forgave you. It's not weakness. It's strength that keeps your spirit clean and your kids shielded from more poison. Choose not to retaliate. Take pain to God. Speak life about their mom in front of them.

Alfred Phelps: Yes, so I think about, I think it's Exodus where it says, the Lord will fight your battle, ye shall hold your peace. So what I tell clients is that don't let the need to be right cause you to engage in unnecessary confrontation. You sometimes you know you're right and you know they're wrong, let them have it. You don't have to respond to everything because... When I was first coming up, I always thought that if somebody says something and you didn't respond, felt like acquiescence was a sign of agreement that, you know, I agree with this. Rather, silence was a sign of acquiescence. That if you said something and I kept quiet, then he must agree. No. Because also, you know, I always hear now people say about Donald Trump's people. say they're performing for a personal one. You're doing the same thing in this situation. You're performing for one person and that's God. You perform for God. If God is, it feels when at the of the night, if God is happy with what you did, he's going to change that thing around. Just like I mentioned earlier, the girl wanted to be with her mother and then when she got 16, she signed that affidavit of election. Now she's with her father.

Karlton McIver: Reverend Jerome knows about that.

Alfred Phelps: Okay.

Rev Jerome: And again, Exodus 14, 14, you were actually spinal.

Alfred Phelps: Okay. So I know I know a little bit about scripture. just can't quote the site. But thank you, Rev for helping a brother out.

Rev Jerome: You can't put me on the spot either,

Alfred Phelps: Ha ha ha ha ha!

Karlton McIver: ⁓ Okay, one final word for the dad listening, maybe facing a hearing, maybe just worn down. What's the single most important takeaway for navigating the courtroom and the prayer room together?

Alfred Phelps: Well, the first thing is what I always do before I go into a mediation or trial or hearing. I pray. I ask the spirit to guide me. Tell me what to say. Guide my steps. And that's what I do. And usually you'll find that once things get going, you may walk in a little nervous, it'll come out. It'll come out and it'll come out the way you want. But that only happens if you have a true relationship with God. That's the key right there. You have to have a true relationship. Cause a lot of people say, I love God and I have faith. But you don't have to tell me you love God. You don't have to tell me you have faith. I'll know from your conduct. The court will know from your conduct. And so I say pray on it, but don't always be prepared. And of course, I'm going to say always have you a good family law attorney. You're going to need a good family law attorney. And then you go in there and be honest, be righteous, and nine out of 10 times you're going to be okay.

Karlton McIver: Amen. Fatherhood isn't measured only by overnights. It's measured by how you love fiercely in the time you have. Stay steady, stay prayerful, let your kids see a dad rooted in Christ. Alfred, thank you. This has been gold. For listeners who want to reach out for guidance, how can they connect with you?

Alfred Phelps: Okay, I'm at South Atlanta Family Law and give you my number. My number is, I have to look it up because I don't call myself. My number is 404-494-0027 or you can reach me at alfred.phelps at southalantafamilylaw.com.

Rev Jerome: I'm sorry.

Karlton McIver: Okay, brothers, you don't have to go alone. Reach out if you need him today. If this stirred something, I'm sure it did. Reach out to Alfred for guidance. Alfred, thank you again for your wisdom and heart. To the brothers listening, share this with the brother who needs it. Like, comment, subscribe on our platform. Head to RootedinChristMen.org for community, prayer, and real support. Until next time, stay rooted.

Rev Jerome: Rise strong. The courts is not you.

Karlton McIver: Divorce is not you.

Alfred Phelps: Let's love each other and love our children.

Rev Jerome: Amen.

Karlton McIver: ⁓ meh.