Chaos After Divorce, Part 2: Forgiveness

riverside chaos after divorce, part 2 — take 04 rooted in christ m: A few days ago, I was scrolling through a Facebook group for Divorce men, and one post stopped me cold. A brother brand new to the group asking for prayer. Divorce less than a year, a few weeks ago. He and his ex-wife were talking about getting back together. Now, she's on a dating app, and her first date is this weekend. He ended it by saying he was a mess. And he wanted her back. I read it three times because I know that mess and I know the question underneath it. How am I supposed to forgive something that's still happening? Let's talk about it. Thanks for tuning in to Rooted in Christ. Men after divorce. Divorce rarely gets talked about in the church, but we open up the conversation for Christian men seeking healing. strength and a renewed walk with God. Each episode we focus on spiritual life, mental health, emotional recovery, physical wellness, financial stability, and your future. Stay rooted, rise strong, divorce isn't you. Welcome to Rooted in Christ, Men After Divorce. I'm Karlton and it's just me today. We've been talking about forgiveness in our Chaos After Divorce series. But most of what you hear about forgiveness assumes the hurt is over. It happened, it's done, now you heal. What about when it isn't over? When every week brings a new wound. That's today. Let me tell you a little more about this, brother. I've changed some of the details to protect him, but the heart of it is real. Years of marriage, kids together. The divorce went through less than a year ago. Then about a month ago, a door cracked open. They started talking about reconciliation. He let himself hope. Three weeks later, she said she needs space. Then he finds out she's on a dating app. And here's the part that got me. She'd once told him that if she ever moved on, it wouldn't be casual. The next man she was with would have to be someone she loved. It would have to Men something. Now, he's not sure that's true anymore. And he wrote that his biggest fear is that if she gets intimate with this first guy, it'll make everything that they had meaningless. Brothers, sit with that for a second. That's not just jealousy. That's a man afraid his whole marriage is about to be erased. He thinks her friends are giving her bad advice. He's scared about his kids. He wants to win her back. If you're listening and that's you, or that was you, hear me. You're not crazy and you're not weak. You're grieving something you thought might come back to life. Hold that, because we're going to talk about what forgiveness looks like here right after this. Brothers, If this is hitting home, don't walk this road alone. Head over to rootingchristmen.org and sign up. You'll get every new episode plus our newsletter, real talk, scripture, and practical steps for rebuilding after divorce straight to your inbox. And you can find the podcast on all major platforms, plus full video episodes on YouTube. If it's been helping you, subscribe and tell another brother. Now, let's get back to it. Let's name what was actually hurting. Because you can't forgive what you won't name. First, there's the whiplash. Hope, and then gone. Sometimes that hurts worse than the divorce itself. You had time to brace for the divorce. This one blindsided you. Second, there's the broken promise. She said it would Men something. Whether she keeps that or not, it feels like one more thing that isn't true anymore. Third, there's the fear about the kids. Who is this guy? Is he gonna be around my children? And fourth, the one under all of it. If she moves on, did what we have even matter? I want to speak to that one directly. What you had was real. The years you built, the kids you were raising, the vows you made before God. Her next decision doesn't reach back and erase them. Nobody has that power. Not her, not some guy from an app. I'll be honest with you, I had to tell myself that more than once. I've been Divorce for a number of years, and even now there are certain things that come up that just sting. And I had to go back and repent and ask for forgiveness. Forgiving when the hurt keeps coming. So how do you forgive when the hurt isn't over? First, forgiveness doesn't wait for her to stop. If you're waiting for her to stop hurting you before you forgive, you handed her the keys to your healing. Second, and this one's hard, forgiveness isn't a strategy to get her back. The brother wants to to win her back. And I understand that. But if you can forgive her hoping it'll make her come home, that's not forgiveness. That's a negotiation. And when she doesn't respond the way you want, the bitterness comes back double. Forgive because you need to be free. Leave the outcome to God. Third, forgiveness isn't approval. You can believe she's making bad choices. You can think her friends Are stirring her wrong, and you can still release the debt. Look at how Jesus handled it. First Peter 2:23 says, When he was insulted, he didn't strike back. When he suffered, he didn't make threats. He kept entrusting himself to the one who judges justly. Keep entrusting, that's daily. Some days it's hourly. And Romans 12:18. If it is possible, as far as it is, depend on you to live at peace with everyone, as far as it depends on you. Her choices don't depend on you. Your peace does. And your peace is priceless. Fourth, you can't control her, but you can control what you feed. Checking her profile, asking the kids questions, driving past the house, every one of these reopens the wound. Forgiveness includes choosing to stop picking at it. So what do we do this week? If this is you right now, here's what I tell you this brother and what I'm telling you. Stop watching. Unfollow, mute, delete, whatever app you're using to check on her. You can't heal a wound, you keep pressing on. Now this is the hard one. Pray for her. Yeah, I said pray for her. Pray for her good. Some days that feels impossible. I know it does. Do it anyway. Protect your kids from the fight. Don't make them your messengers or your spies. Be the steady one. Four. Tell somebody. This brother did the right thing by reaching out. Get in a group. Call a brother. Sit down with your pastor. Don't carry this alone at 2 a.m. 5. Let yourself grieve. Psalms 34:18 says, the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. Close, not waiting for you to get it. Together. Right there in the mess with you. Before we end this, let me talk to the brothers who are struggling with this or going through this now. Or have gone through it and it still comes back and hits you. To the brother who wrote that post, if this ever finds you, we're praying for you. What you had matters. It still matters. And forgiveness isn't you losing her, it's you not losing yourself. And to every man listening, her next chapter doesn't get to write yours. Let me pray, Lord, for every man who's hurt. Isn't over yet. Be close. Give us the strength to release what we can't control. Protect our children. Keep us rooted in you. In Jesus' name, amen. If this one helped you to strive and tell another brother, and sign up to rooted in Christmen.org for the news letter. Stay rooted. Rise strong. Divorce is not you. This podcast is for educational and inspirational purposes only. The hosts and guests are not licensed professionals, and content is not legal, financial, or mental health advice. Seek qualified experts for personal guidance. Views expressed are those of the host and guest, not affiliated organizations.